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bigtips

August 16, 2002 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

What do I tell folks who backed out and left me stranded?

by M.T. 'the Big Tipper' Martone Dear Big Tipper,

I am throwing a huge anniversary party for a couple I've known and been very close to for a long time. They are having friends and relatives come in from out of town, and when I was first helping to set this up, I said I'd try to help find places for people to stay.

These other mutual friends (let's call them Jack and Will) said they'd be happy to put some people up. They have a beautiful home with several extra bedrooms, so I asked them if it would be okay to put up the two sets of parents, and they said yes. I was relieved, it was an important detail dealt with, that's that.

Well, not really. Because now that the event is a few weeks out, Jack and Will have come to me and told me that they changed their minds, and they don't feel comfortable having people stay with them. All of my friends have people staying with them, all beds are full, and nobody has any money for a hotel (we have someone driving six hours each way to pick up one set of parents because there's no money for a flight).

All of their friends have been very generous to help make this happen, and these guys are being huge asses, and I'm livid. I have all of these details to deal with, and now I have four old people who really need, at the minimum, a decent bed to sleep in, and nowhere to put them. And Jack and Will's house would have been perfect because it's quiet and nice.

Look, I understand boundaries. I understand knowing your limits. I also understand that leaving me high and dry is rude and I'm really, really pissed. I had to

listen to them go on about how the decision was really hard, and how they knew it might be difficult, but that they needed to listen to themselves and their needs.

Where were their needs six months ago when I first asked (and mind you, in no way pressured) them?

Locked in the pantry where they couldn't be heard? Or maybe they were on the third floor, loud as day, but unheard because the house is so big they have an entire floor that no one's using!

So, I feel like I need to tell them off, but I'm so angry, I don't know what to say without losing my mind on them. (I don't know how I won't wring their necks the day of the event.) What would you say?

good reason for their change of heart, but in a situation in which they are inconveniencing you so greatly, they owe you an explanation of some sort. ("My Chow has recently become incontinent, and the house smells. . .")

BIG TIPS

Fuck Your "I" Statements

Dear There's No "I" in Party,

Well, that stinks, and your anger is justified. But here's the story. You can't get something from someone if they don't have it to give. While they may have two lovely rooms with their own baths, these guys don't have the capacity to share them.

I'd tell them that I'm angry, that it's excruciatingly rude and self-indulgent to decide that they need "space" now instead of six months ago, or shortly after these guests leave. Of course, there might be some sort of

you can laugh. Dear Big Tipper,

In the absence of any described reason for the change of heart, feel free to find them terribly, terribly rude. Then move along with your planning. Shuffle the four most able-bodied pals that you're housing to the floor, and move the moms and dads into those beds, and assume that everyone is there to celebrate your friends' anniversary, and that a good time will be had in their name.

Then maybe Will or Jack will choke on some bruscetta at the event, and

I'm in the final stages of a very carefully crafted seduction that will hopefully result in my desired girl being here, with me, in my bed with nice new sheets in the very near

future. Don't worry, I'm not being creepy. I just like describing it this way!

Anyway, I have really good smelling bath stuff (sage bubble bath!), the new sheets, and my house has never been so clean. I have a great haircut, and I've been pumicing my heels for weeks. I'm ready, but I want

some sort of yummy snacks and drinks in the house that are perfect. Suggestions?

Dear Eye on the Fly,

Spider in Her Web

Depends on the weather, but you can use an offer of tea or alcohol to lure her up there. We all know that's not what you're really offering, but it's smoother than offering to show her your pumice stone.

Have a little assortment of tea to cover the bases: a black tea, an herbal tea, some snazzy green tea in case she's fancy (or you want to pretend you are). Have sugar, a lemon, and real half and half.

Alcohol I don't know so much about, but gauge your target. You can probably tell if she's a beer, wine or scotch girl. Buy accordingly, and buy nice.

Have breakfast food: eggs, potatoes, bread, jam. You could make some snacky bread, like banana bread, but cut a chunk off of it so it doesn't look like you made it because she was coming. I'm trying to think... it's so fun to be in bed with some one for the first time and then be starving and rummage through the fridge.

Leftovers are great. If you're going to dinner with her earlier in the evening, make sure leftovers make it home and into the refrigerator: something noodly and cold is fun and good. If it's hot, popsicles can be nice. Actually, you can learn a lot about a girl by how she eats.

I hope she enjoys her food. Good luck!

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-6311052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

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